“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
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my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
pelicons
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.