Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball