Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
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Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.