Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
this is the greatest thing ever
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.