Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?