[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
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My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
WWE is French for “yes”
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.