I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅