Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
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I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.