Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
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Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
True?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”