The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.