[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My boss called in sick of me
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.