I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
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“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
this post was so formative to me
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.