Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
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Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
This will never not be funny to me.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I falcon love using swear birds