If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Risking my life for fun.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi