Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
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LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing