Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
You Might Also Like
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I don鈥檛 usually sing Adele, but when I do, it鈥檚 usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men鈥檚 washroom at work.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I鈥檓 doing) yes, I鈥檇 like to see your models that float please.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Every Field Has It鈥檚 Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I don鈥檛 get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don鈥檛 have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My Face ID only recognizes me if I鈥檓 chewing now.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I鈥檓 the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 馃槀
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Looks like someone鈥檚 been slipping steroids into Garfield鈥檚 lasagna again.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.