this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred