Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
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me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
This is my bus stop.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
HELP 😭
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My Plans 2020
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.