As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
an octopus is just a wet spider
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Happy birthday to all the women
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.