*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
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Best spot.. 😅
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
sliding into dms like
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.