CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
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weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Welcome to the stomach
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
a lot to unpack here
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.