If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
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My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”