Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
You Might Also Like
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.