Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Is your wife single?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.