captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
You Might Also Like
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Duolingo getting serious.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.