I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
You Might Also Like
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
(Electricians.)
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.