20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.