*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
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HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
plums roundup
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great