Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
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Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Looking at you, Jesus.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.