‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
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You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
when someone rings the doorbell
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
do what now??
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.