“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
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An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic