This one’s “Alex”.
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people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
my mind
You just read my mind
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*