A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
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And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s