Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.