my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
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Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane