[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Breaking news:
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Yes my dude
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨