coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
You Might Also Like
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay