The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
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Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.