Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes