My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while