if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Did my cat write this
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Cake safety first. Always.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl