mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Wise advice
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Yep.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts