FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
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You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
the battle rages on
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
🤣
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
That eye roll….
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”