10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
i now pronounce you bounced.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease