Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
peep davidson
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]