The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
every. time.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir