I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
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Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine