My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
How to find Kentucky on a map
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole