Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
You Might Also Like
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.