I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
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cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…